How Disney’s Sleeping Beauty Lead to Lifelong Insomnia

I think I was about 9, my sister 3, when she received the Disney read-a-long book and tape for Sleeping Beauty. Tara listened to it all the time, as kids tend to do. At that age, also as kids tend to do, I loved nothing more than acting goofy to make my parents laugh.

In the story, Maleficent places a curse on Aurora: on her sixteenth birthday she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die.

One afternoon, I was goofing on this and did a pretty convincing witch and “cursed” my mother to the fate of Aurora on her 50th birthday. The immediate dread that sunk my stomach is as vivid a childhood memory as any I can recall. I apologized profusely and sought reassurance from mom.

Me: “That won’t really happen, will it?”

Mom, laughing nervously: “I certainly hope not”

I can’t say if I actually spooked her or if she thought my fear was a silly kid thing. I never had the courage to follow up with her. She died when I was 17, so I can’t ask now. Unfortunately, I had already been experiencing anxiety at that age (that started with kindergarten) and I obsessed constantly over what I had said to my mother. Bedtime was the worst. Every night, I lay awake in the dark certain I had condemned my mother to die, feeling scared and shameful, not sleeping.

This continued for years. I honestly think I hadn’t fully shaken it until after her death. As I got older, it wasn’t as bad at night and I didn’t really think the curse would work. I learned to use my love of reading as a coping strategy: I would read late into the night until I literally fell asleep with the book. Thus began a pattern in my life of being unable to sleep if I had worries on my mind (which I always have).

The effects of this traumatic moment remained, to the extent that I recall thinking after she died that finally it was over and I didn’t end up killing my mother after all. Pile on a ton more shame and guilt for having even had this fleeting thought. As an adult, I can see both the silliness of my fears and the way a mind already broken by mental illness would use this as evidence of my being a bad person.

I don’t blame anyone for this incident, but there are lessons in its telling. Highly sensitive, introverted children with anxiety are terribly fragile and need support, reassurance and in many cases, professional help. My parents didn’t know this. And even if they had the tools, I was never able to ask for help.

I avoided this fairy tale my entire life because it triggers negative, shameful feelings. In a twist of fate no one could predict (I certainly hadn’t told her the story), my daughter bought tickets to see a ballet interpretation of Sleeping Beauty on my 50th birthday. We didn’t go, as I didn’t feel strong enough, but we did talk about what happened for the first time.

There is an odd serendipity to the timing and choice of this ballet. I like to think that maybe, somehow, it was my mother reaching out to let me know, finally, that it’s ok. That I wasn’t a bad kid, I didn’t curse her to die, and I shouldn’t carry this shame any further. I will try.

Peace & progress,
Colleen

#introvertlife

 

 

2 thoughts on “How Disney’s Sleeping Beauty Lead to Lifelong Insomnia

  1. TARA POWER

    First thing, man you are one tough cookie! I have always tried to emulate you (and mum’s) “carry on” attitude. If asked about my big Sister what she was like, I would have said the cool, beautiful, popular person who made me think it was normal to read encyclopaedic volumes as avidly as my Archie’s. You were (and are) a person I aspire to be like.

    That said, cut yourself some £#€@ slack, thinking your “curse” hadn’t worked, as mum died before the designated date, was a £#€@ing coping strategy and I’m glad your brain tried that gambit, because you deserved NOT to be fretting about that thing that had plagued you for almost a decade!

    Not to mention, I think mum’s been busy last week or so! Middle of last week I lost her cross, it was there on the 30th and when I went to fiddle with it talking w someone my fingers only found the two other pendants that share her chain on Friday. For a micro second I started to freak out, I had a mental image of screaming and falling to the ground clawing at my neck, but I pulled it all in and “shelved it”. Because I knew loosing my mind over it, would not a) get it back, b) was premature given there were lots of places I needed to look for it.

    Last night, house, car, laundry all searched I was sidling up to the thought it was gone. I had lost my touchstone forever and what I had said to the person with me when I realised it was lost: I have other relics of my mother, was true…. but none I could have with me every day, everywhere I go. So there I was defeated, sad, imagining it lying in a corridor somewhere in Leeds Ikea when something prompted me to roll onto my belly. So I did and that’s when I thought, I didn’t check under the edge of my platform bed! Excited I looked, to no avail and fighting tears I lay there, across my bed, feeling so bereft. About to sit up so I could grab tissues – I was about to need – I stilled and even though it was not in my periphery something in front and to my left demanded attention. This is hard to describe as my face was turned to the right, so essentially I “saw” something move through my own skull… I know, right?

    But I turned my head anyways, and there lying, upright, positioned correctly, was mum’s cross, gleaming brighter than is accountable by the low wat bulb in my room. I have no doubt mum put it there as I had checked that area already 3x! So! Busy lady 😇

    Liked by 1 person

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